One year. Wow. It’s already been a whole year since I moved back to Hamburg, the city I love and where I feel at home. One year and so many things happened, so many changes, so many challenges, so many memories – great ones and not so great ones. It’s been a thrilling year, so I feel like writing a recap is obligatory to share my last year with you.
Oh, where to start? It’s time for a life update. I’m utterly sad that I don’t really find enough time for blogging anymore. Blogging as it was before is definitely over, but I guess that’s part of completely changing your life. And that’s fine. I’ve decided to blog about things that matter to me, topics that I find important and obviously all those changes in my life. Yes, I miss posting my outfits, but I’m happy to say that I still upload my looks on Instagram, even though I don’t really like that shallow platform. But nowadays, you have to go with the flow and there’s probably no better place to post what I wear than on Instagram, because it’s easy and fast and I can also show you my everyday looks without feeling bad cause I wanted my blog to be a place for high fashion and edgy looks, not only the stuff you can easily wear for running errands. I mostly show you my work looks now, which – thanks to my little job in the fashion store – luckily aren’t that boring (but it looks like I’m only wearing jeans anymore, haha! It’s just perfect for the job, comfy and easily combinable…) and from time to time, we shoot some outfits with store items that I like. My colleague is so nice to help by taking the pictures and she’s pretty good at it! I guess, I should hire her as my new photographer! :)
Well, but as today’s blog title says, I’m gonna write about failing – and fighting. And this is not easy to write. Right now, my life consists of fighting. Fighting to stay here in Hamburg, because it seems like I’m right back at the beginning, where I started last year when I came back – just with no money left. I’m seriously struggling and my situation is bad. Really bad. I’m not feeling great, I lost my second job, which was fun, due to the worst luck ever and it actually should’ve never been a reason to fire me because it’s just a natural risk of the work itself, but here I am, almost jobless again. All I have left right now is my mini job at the fashion store which luckily provides some money, but definitely not enough, not even enough to pay my rent – but that’s something I’m hopefully about to change cause what’s happening with our shared flat is also pretty bad and something I’m not taking anymore. I’m pissed off and I don’t wanna live in a shithole where the landlord just doesn’t care about anything but receiving way too much money. But that’s another story. My mental condition is that bad that even my physical condition is bad – I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’m not really hungry anymore, I keep becoming sick and I’m very tired. Tired of everything.
And I’m scared. I’m literally scared. I don’t wanna leave Hamburg, it’s the place I love, it’s home. Whenever I remind myself that I’m here, I feel like I’m exactly where I should be, where I belong to. And I don’t wanna change this. I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna say that I’ve failed completely. Right now, I “just” failed at being able to pay for living. That’s bad enough. I don’t wanna give up yet. Not everything I’ve already achieved in almost a year being back. Not living at my favorite place. I’m fighting. Probably not enough, cause I’m scared as hell, but I’m doing what I can. I’m trying my best. And I will continue to do so. But to be honest, May seems to be the last month I’m able to fight. I will have to find a job that pays for my life here. Otherwise, I have no other choice than giving up, even though this isn’t an option I want to accept yet. So here goes nothing: everything. It just has to work out this time.
I know, I know, it’s already February and actually way too late to post the second part of my annual recap, but hey – better late than never, right? And yes, there’s still a lot to say about the last year, probably the most amazing one of my life so far, because it taught me so much and helped me become the person I was struggling to be before my transformation started back in 2017. 2018 was an important year, a year of change, a year of new challenges and new things to experience, a year as single and embracing that fact. And oh, I really enjoyed checking off things off my bucket list! It was fun and it was exciting and I wish I had new ideas for 2019, but my brain won’t come up with something – at least, I still got some points left from 2018 and will try to turn them into memories! But here comes my → #SingleBucketList2018 recap!
Let’s start my recap of 2018 with the part that has gotten me through the year at any time: music. I’ve done this for 2017 and feel like sharing my favorite tracks of the year again, since music means a lot to me and it’s a big part of my life, even though I don’t play any instruments. Music soothes my soul, it’s something that’s always there and the best companion through every occasion – good ones and especially bad ones.
Like last year, I will be saying something about a few songs of my playlist and there may be some nice little stories!
This year, I listened a lot to music in my car while driving around, so many of the songs remind me of certain trips and when I listen to them, they kind of bring me back to special days, so I’ll share my memories with you for some of them. Feel free to listen to my favorites on Spotify, but for those of you who don’t happen to use it, I’ve also created a YouTube playlist (you can find it at the end of the post). I hope you enjoy my choices as much as I do, they really mean a lot to me. ♥