Photos: Jacqueline Filmore
It’s been some time since I told you about → my struggles with depression and anxiety. I feel like after about half a year I’m ready to give you a first update on my situation. That’s why this post is part one of my story and journey with these two – cause I’m pretty sure that there’s room for more and probably not only a second update.
Today is not only the day I’m finally moving out of Hamburg for good, it’s also the day I’m changing something in my life that’s been a part of it for about 14 years. I decided to share this with you since I believe that this is a very important topic and it’s something we need to talk about more. A few days ago, after already thinking about it for a few years, I decided that I want to stop taking the pill. There are many reasons and these are some of them that led to my decision:
I’m actually a little scared of how my body will react. Like: I’ve always had very good skin, never any problems with pimples during my puberty or after, no acne, no nothing. Only thing I’ve been always struggling with is hormonal (maybe also caused by the pill, who knows?) hair loss. I’m pretty sure that it also didn’t help with my weight to take the pill so excessively. Another thing: diabetes plus period – this is probably going to be hell since it affects the blood sugar. So I’m pretty sure that I’ll have to learn a lot… And then there’s the fact that I’ve never got to know myself, my physical and emotional feelings, my period cycle or anything else without the pill. Thinking about it, this is actually not only terrible but also super sad.
I’m also scared of the pain I will feel again but I took a very special precaution: I’ve been part of a crowdfunding project called “Livia” – the device is supposed to work like a TENS machine especially created for menstrual pain. This sounded more than appealing to me and I blindly invested my money in this project and around July this year, I finally received my very own lilac “Livia”. And trust me: I’m extremely excited and curious to try it, so somehow, I’m actually looking forward to my next period (sounds horribly crazy because if it doesn’t work, the pain will be unbearable and it will definitely make me consider stopping this whole “no more pill” thing because this is my last chance – regular painkillers never worked for me)… I’ll keep you updated on that – if it works, how it works, etc.
And then there’s another thing I want to try – menstrual cups. I don’t want to use tampons anymore. It’s insane that it’s almost 2018 and the evolution of tampons stopped many years ago and the use of them is also pretty dangerous. And let’s be honest: sanitary pads are a bloody mess (pun intended, haha!). I really don’t like it. The invention of menstrual cups is super cool and I’m excited to get to know them (I’m open for any tips!), even though I won’t be able to use them instantly cause I’ll have to get to know my menstrual cycle. So here I am – ready for everything that’s coming.
Last topic: contraception. I still don’t know which path I’ll take for that. Obviously, there’s loads of stuff to discover, read and learn and I haven’t decided yet, what I want to try. We’ll see.
So that’s all for now. I’m pretty sure that in two days (at the latest) I’ll cryingly regret my decision but it’s so worth it. The pill is not an option anymore.
Questions for you: who’s on this journey with me? Are there other women who stopped taking the pill or intend to do it (join me, now!)? What are your experiences? How do you feel now? Which contraception method did you choose? Tell me your story if you want to, I’m super curious! :)
It’s been already a little more than six months since I’m living back home at my parents. I moved back into my old room downstairs and I had to go through the hardest time after the break-up without my stuff. In a few days, I’m finally getting back all my clothes and personal belongings – it’s gonna be a relief and also a much needed cut and line at the end of the last 8 years.
But at the same time, I had to go through 3 stages of being back at my parents with 27 and I want to share them with you in this personal post:
During interviews, the question “Did you always feel good in your body?” is usually one of the first questions. As if it was a masterly performance to be satisfied with yourself or as if I should rather lie and/or be ashamed of it – because I’m fat. And I should feel bad about it. Thanks!
Of course I know that it’s not the easiest thing to look at yourself (especially naked) in the mirror and say “Hey, I’m awesome the way I am!” if everybody and everything is telling you all the time that you’re not – unless you change this and that and most important: you lose weight. Because only as a thin person you’re a valuable part of this society, accepted and tolerated, beautiful and desirable. If you’re fat, the best “compliment” you can expect is that you have a pretty face – usually this is weakened by a passing “If you were thin…” plus a random positive development you could achieve in your life. Be it with men, at your job, anywhere: if you’re skinny, you’re automatically better. And then, when you’re thinner, you notice that it wasn’t that much worth it, because if you’re not fundamentally happy with yourself, the few sizes less won’t change anything. Only the diet industry will be cheering loudly cause they recruited another disciple, a new member of their “sect”, for which counting calories or “points” is as holy and will bring you the same light as twelve “Ave Maria”. Isn’t it sad to think negatively about food and yourself all the time? Is that really worth it?
Now I’ve certainly been a lot thinner 8 years ago when I started this blog. I wasn’t skinny-skinny but a lot skinnier than today. Back then, I wore an average EU size 38, today it’s 44-48. For some who approach me about that from time to time, it seems to be a catastrophe of a horrible dimension, they’re horrified and convinced that it should be some kind of apocalypse for me, they can’t understand at all how something “like this” could happen, and they’re left pretty confused when they see that I’m not as distraught as they are. Cause for me, it’s really not that terrible.