• Private XXV | “Generation Beziehungsunfähig” •

• Private XXV | “Generation Beziehungsunfähig” •

Photo: Jacqueline Filmore

„Hey, I’ll just say it right now, I’m not looking for something serious, I’m freshly out of a relationship.“
„Hello, nice to match you – by the way, I’m just looking for fun!“
„Looking for a ‘friends with benefits’ – you in?“

I don’t even know when exactly it started – I was obviously way too long in a relationship and missed the moment when humanity decided that the model of a simple relationship of 10 years ago is not cool anymore.

Admittedly, I’m not back in that „dating game“ for so long and to be honest, I’m not doing this excessively – I normally use Tinder while on the toilet when I’m bored, and all those other dating apps are pretty proletarian and therefore aren’t my thing. It really makes me wonder why someone would use Lovoo or Badoo (does everything have to end on double-o?) voluntarily. Tinder is pretty much known as a sex app (someone once told me that the name comes from „Titty Finder“ – I kind of doubt that but it’s not too inappropriate), but it seems to be less full of freaks („fuckbois“ all over instead) and halfway respectable.

Of course, my profile says that someone like me – obviously an old school lady – is not looking for sex dates. I seriously don’t. 90% of my matches aren’t interested in that and they seem to think that I’m a prostitute that doesn’t have to be paid without even saying hello. Okay, no problem, you can „de-match“ these people. The remaining 10% are 8% „pretending to be nice and then I’ll drop the ‘I’m not looking for something serious’ bomb“, 1% total freaks and that’s why they’re single (#sorrynotsorry – there was a guy who wanted to cuddle with me while wearing diapers which he also actually uses) and 1% actual candidates for a first date. But that’s material for another Private post.

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So now there are a few things I keep asking myself:

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• Private XXIII | One year… •

• Private XXIII | One year… •

…or: what I learned from the end of my relationship.

Photos: Jacqueline Filmore

One year. Today officially marks the day of the end of my last relationship, a year ago. I moved on and I feel like it’s time to have a quick look back and talk about what I learned from everything that’s happened*. So many wonderful things happened in this year, → being single is absolutely fine and I’m actually enjoying it. It’s an amazing chance to be able to get to know myself after all these years. It was important for my very own personal growth and evolution and I’m actually thankful for that. So just in case my ex reads this: thank you for leaving me. You couldn’t have given me something better. You just chose the wrong way how to do it, but it doesn’t matter anymore.

After a break-up it’s hard to understand that this is not the end of the world. Especially if you’re not the one who made the decision to end it all. But luckily, after some time, you realize that there’s something good about it and that it’s actually true that if one door closes, at least another one opens. It took me a few months to accept my new life, my new situation, being single and “alone” but it also made me think about those 8 years in a relationship. Of course, I also found a few errors on my side, but – and that’s what matters in the end – I’ve learned a lot by reflecting about what went wrong. And that’s why I decided to change a lot… here’s 5 things I learned from the end of my relationship.

* I know you all want to know what happened but I still don’t really want to talk about it. Maybe, some day, I will – maybe not. The past is the past and I’m glad that I’ve gotten my closure, even though there’s still a divorce in front of me. Since there were some rumors of abuse: no. He didn’t hurt me physically. 

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• Private XVII | Single •

• Private XVII | Single •

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Photos: Katharina Kerwer

There are posts that aren’t written as easily as you’d think. Today’s post is one of them. I’m still not ready to tell you exactly what happened cause it’s a long and disturbing story and I will need some time to find the right words for it. I just feel like right now, I’m finally ready to write down that I’m single again.

It’s hard to read these words after such a long time in a relationship, after a marriage that didn’t even last three years, but I’m already at a point where I survived the hardest part and feel confident enough to share these news with you.

Being single again at 27 comes definitely unexpected. It’s weird and it’s not fun and I wish I wasn’t, because I’m clearly a person who doesn’t like to spend her time alone. Yet, I’m learning to be alone and I’m also learning how to be my own person of trust. As you can imagine, the separation led me to start the therapy of which I already told you in June. This was an important step of my evolution. As I told you, I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time and something as horrible as what happened now definitely put me in the worst state one can be.

Even though I’m not completely ready yet to take you with me on this story of my new journey, my new start, I feel like I’m on a good way and the path is leading me to a better version of myself. Even though I hate being alone (which I’m actually not, cause I’m living with my parents right now and I feel safe and loved), I’m pretty sure that all this is a good thing for me – it’s giving me a new chance to get to know myself and evolve from depression and too much fear to a strong and independent woman – and I’m already making a lot of new steps.

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