• Time to grow up | VI – About failing and fighting… •

• Time to grow up | VI – About failing and fighting… •

Oh, where to start? It’s time for a life update. I’m utterly sad that I don’t really find enough time for blogging anymore. Blogging as it was before is definitely over, but I guess that’s part of completely changing your life. And that’s fine. I’ve decided to blog about things that matter to me, topics that I find important and obviously all those changes in my life. Yes, I miss posting my outfits, but I’m happy to say that I still upload my looks on Instagram, even though I don’t really like that shallow platform. But nowadays, you have to go with the flow and there’s probably no better place to post what I wear than on Instagram, because it’s easy and fast and I can also show you my everyday looks without feeling bad cause I wanted my blog to be a place for high fashion and edgy looks, not only the stuff you can easily wear for running errands. I mostly show you my work looks now, which – thanks to my little job in the fashion store – luckily aren’t that boring (but it looks like I’m only wearing jeans anymore, haha! It’s just perfect for the job, comfy and easily combinable…) and from time to time, we shoot some outfits with store items that I like. My colleague is so nice to help by taking the pictures and she’s pretty good at it! I guess, I should hire her as my new photographer! :)

Well, but as today’s blog title says, I’m gonna write about failing – and fighting. And this is not easy to write. Right now, my life consists of fighting. Fighting to stay here in Hamburg, because it seems like I’m right back at the beginning, where I started last year when I came back – just with no money left. I’m seriously struggling and my situation is bad. Really bad. I’m not feeling great, I lost my second job, which was fun, due to the worst luck ever and it actually should’ve never been a reason to fire me because it’s just a natural risk of the work itself, but here I am, almost jobless again. All I have left right now is my mini job at the fashion store which luckily provides some money, but definitely not enough, not even enough to pay my rent – but that’s something I’m hopefully about to change cause what’s happening with our shared flat is also pretty bad and something I’m not taking anymore. I’m pissed off and I don’t wanna live in a shithole where the landlord just doesn’t care about anything but receiving way too much money. But that’s another story. My mental condition is that bad that even my physical condition is bad – I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’m not really hungry anymore, I keep becoming sick and I’m very tired. Tired of everything. 

And I’m scared. I’m literally scared. I don’t wanna leave Hamburg, it’s the place I love, it’s home. Whenever I remind myself that I’m here, I feel like I’m exactly where I should be, where I belong to. And I don’t wanna change this. I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna say that I’ve failed completely. Right now, I “just” failed at being able to pay for living. That’s bad enough. I don’t wanna give up yet. Not everything I’ve already achieved in almost a year being back. Not living at my favorite place. I’m fighting. Probably not enough, cause I’m scared as hell, but I’m doing what I can. I’m trying my best. And I will continue to do so. But to be honest, May seems to be the last month I’m able to fight. I will have to find a job that pays for my life here. Otherwise, I have no other choice than giving up, even though this isn’t an option I want to accept yet. So here goes nothing: everything. It just has to work out this time. 

  • Hello from Finland. I have read your blog many years. I found your blog when I was looking for plus size fashion blogs. I tought you are one of the fashionable woman I have seen :) I still do. But this comment is not about fashion. I want to send you a hug and hope all the best. I hope you are able to stay in Hamburg. I know what it is like when you are trying to find you place in this world and also find you ” who am I and what do I want “. I wish you to find a joy and happiness again. I send you sunshine from here.

    • Auf der einen Seite freue ich mich total, hier wieder etwas von Dir zu lesen. Auf der anderen Seite aber macht mich das, was Du schreibst, sehr traurig. Ich wünsche Dir so sehr, dass es mit einem Job klappt und Du hier bleiben kannst! Ich kann natürlich nicht wirklich nachvollziehen, wie es Dir geht, weil ich solche Probleme gottseidank noch nie hatte. Aber auch ich habe in meinem Leben schon oft kämpfen müssen, und irgendwann ist man einfach nur noch müde. Ich drücke Dir so sehr die Daumen! Hoffentlich kommen Ängste und Depression nicht wieder! Pass auf Dich auf! Ich kann nicht mehr tun, als Dir Mut zusprechen. Und das will ich gerne tun.

      • Tut mir leid das zu hören, ich hoffe du findest deinen Weg! Ich glaube, das alles was einem so im Leben zustößt einen Sinn hat. Meist erkennt man es leider erst viel später… Wohin dein Weg auch geht, du wirst was aus deinem Leben machen. Selbst wenn es jetzt im Moment noch nicht mit Hamburg klappen sollte, wer weiß wie es später mal ausschaut. Behalte deinen Mut, hinfallen ist keine Schande, nur liegen bleiben.
        Alles gute für dich.

        • Liebe Lu, das klingt aber nun ja… wie soll ich es sagen – scheiße. Reden wir nicht um den heißen Brei rum. Job verlieren, Wohnung nicht toll – da hilft nur ganz klischeemäßig: wenn einem das Wasser bis zum Hals steht, sollte man niemals den Kopf hängen lassen. Ich hoffe du hast Freunde, die dich auffangen. Und ich wünsche dir, dass du dein Glück findest, ganz egal wo. Drück dir die Daumen, dass alles gut geht! <3

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