Photo: Jacqueline Filmore
Well, I already mentioned it shorty in my December recap – and it’s clearly a story that needs more explanation. It’s not a pretty one and it definitely puts me and my character in a bad light, but I had no other choice, except for the one of giving up and even though I had to be the bad guy, the real asshole in this story, and it wasn’t the nice thing to do, it was the right thing to do.
It all started in September, when I met this guy and it was all perfect. I felt like I had found my lost soulmate and we’ve known each other for ages and were meant to be together. From day one, I spent a lot of time with him and it made me happy. I was truly happy and yes, I even felt like in love. For almost a month, everything was perfect and amazing, until something weird happened. This guy changed his attitude, his character, his whole behavior – completely. From one day to another. I had kind of stayed at his place, even brought my cat with me because since we were spending so much time together, I couldn’t leave my cat alone – otherwise he’d keep pissing on my stuff and my friend, where I was actually staying since July wasn’t willing to take care of him (of course, and I wouldn’t have asked her to!).
When I noticed this change, I wanted to go back to my friend, back to my actual home here in Hamburg, where most of my things still happened to be, but my friend had decided that she doesn’t want me to be there anymore cause she actually wanted to live alone – which, of course, is her right. She never really wanted me to be there, she wanted to live alone all along and then she finally saw her chance to get rid of me earlier than expected. She knew, though, that I was unhappy, I told her the whole story. It wasn’t just a tiny annoying but cute thing about this guy, it was an actual problem – from lovely and charming, he’d changed into an egocentric, ignorant and uncommunicative psycho who’d say he loves me, but at the same time act like the complete opposite. I’ve never met someone as relationship dysfunctional as him – he didn’t care about me and what I had to say, he didn’t accept my critisism, he even denied me my right to actually critisize anything at all, he was unsupportive when I asked him for help.
This was definitely not the kind of relationship ANYBODY would ever want. I was shocked that someone could change so severely from the perfect guy to this, and not even care about it. Not even care about me being unhappy. And believe me, I didn’t hide it!
So I wanted to leave – but instead, my „friend“ decided to end our time together and with that, she put me in the very uncomfortable position of having to choose: either having to leave Hamburg and give up everything and having to start again in some time, which felt so wrong cause I was on the right way, with a little job and still searching for a place to stay after December, or accepting the guy’s offer to stay with him while looking for my own place and feel like an asshole because he still claimed that he loved me (and still acted the complete opposite!) and I liked him, but definitely not as a boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong – I totally understand if your first thought is now that I’m disgusting and a bad person for taking advantage of someone. Heck yes, that’s what I felt all the time! But I had to go for it. I had almost reached my goal! I had a small job, a second one in sight – all I needed was one or maximum two months in order to find my own little home. And so I decided to go for it. As egoistic and disgusting as it was.
If there is one thing that I’ve learned from that situation, it’s patience. Because I didn’t treat him bad. I liked him. So I continued being a good girlfriend. I did what I could do, I contributed to our shared household, I was there for him, listened to his problems, still hoping that maybe the problems were the cause for our bad relationship, but no. It kept getting worse. It got so bad that I even decided to ask for help where I could, I went to see different offices if there’s any possibility for me, simultaneously looking for apartments or shared flats, but didn’t have any luck. So I got caught up in my depression again, because I felt helpless. I felt like a proper asshole, even though I wasn’t treated how I actually deserved it, but I felt bad because this guy was so nice to give me a home when I needed it and I had accepted it. But we wouldn’t actually live together, each of us was living on their own. We never even had an actual date during our time together.
This was no relationship, it was more like two people just sharing an apartment. I was sad, because the start of our story had been so amazing, it was magical. I remember calling my parents and telling them that something so incredibly crazy had happened and that I can’t even explain it but that I’m just genuinely happy. And two months later, all that was left from this amazing feeling was constant crying and just wanting to leave this toxic place which had made me sick again, even physically. I couldn’t eat right, my digestion had gotten very poor and all I did was sleep and cry and talk to my friends that I can’t do this anymore. At the end of November, when I still hadn’t found a new home, I decided to leave my cat with my parents and simply try to crash at some friends’ couches while still looking for a new place. I didn’t want to give up my dream of living in Hamburg and there were a few friends who said that I could stay with them, but without the cat. But then, luckily, when I had figured out how to do it, I found it, a tiny room in a shared flat, and they wanted to have me. Even with the cat.
Since the guy had already told me that when the day comes, I should find some friends to help me with my stuff, I did the move almost on my own, just three friends got to help me, even though they didn’t have much time, but they sacrified their little spare time to help me and I’m utterly thankful for that. As thankful as I am for that guy that he offered me a place to stay when I needed it the most. I’m thankful for the first few weeks with him and I’m thankful for the lesson he taught me after his weird and unpleasantly surprising change: patience. And that, as much as you don’t want it, that sometimes you have to bite the bullet and be egoistic, think about what’s best for yourself. Clearly, I didn’t hurt that guy. The way he treated me, all he wanted was someone to just be there and comfort him when he’s not well, someone to give him a cat (he desperately wanted a cat but wasn’t willing to do anything else but pet him, not even feed him) and someone to do his household (and for which I even got critisized since I didn’t to it how he wanted me to do it). I guess, we both got what we needed during our time together. We were both egoistic. And in retrospect, I have to simply accept that and move on. And know that next time, I’ll do better. Moving in with your boyfriend way too early is probably the worst thing you can do – I wouldn’t ever have done that under different circumstances. I guess that’s one of the things that made him change – he was absolutely sure he got me since I had nowhere else to go. He was sure that he doesn’t have to put any effort into this relationship and that he’s in the position to make me his maid, kind of. He knew that he’s the one in charge, and even though I was an asshole, he was the bigger one, because he misused this knowledge.
Anyways, to come to the second part of today’s #TimeToGrowUp post: new challenges. Of course, now, there’s my own place. I signed my first official tenancy contract. This is a big deal for me. And I want to stay here, so the even bigger challenge is to be able to pay for it. ;) I’m looking forward to starting my second job soon, which is really cool and for which I’ve already done a lot in advance. I survived my interview for the job (after surviving the first one on the phone – and if you know me, you know how much I hate phone calls, especially when it’s about business!) and I was horribly excited but they offered me the job and now I’m hoping to start until the end of this month. Keep your fingers crossed for me, okay? :) As soon as I got the job, I will tell you more about it, promise! I’m seriously excited to start, because I’m absolutely sure it’s gonna be fun, even though it’s surely not gonna be an easy one, but I wanna do it and the colleagues I got to know already, are all amazing!