Well, I don’t even know where to start… it’s been a hell of a year. I’ve been through a lot and it wasn’t just good stuff that happened. But I’m still here, I’ve survived and I’m still fighting. As I’ve told you so many times before: I’m not giving up. And 2019 was totally worth it. I’ve achieved so much, even though it wasn’t easy to get there. Of course, the highest price I had to pay was that I had to stop blogging. There’s absolutely no more time for it, I still haven’t found a photographer to work with, especially not for free (which I wouldn’t even want to ask for, but since I don’t make any money with this blog anymore, I’m simply not able to pay for it – and all the money I make now is much needed to pay for my rent, for food and for those little fun times after work, which are really, really rare). I had to change my life, completely. I had to → grow up and I’m glad I got to share some of it with you, at least in the beginning. The struggle was real, still is. But I know what I’m doing it for. It’s for my dream, the dream of living in my favorite city, on my own, in my own home, for myself – I am doing it all for me. And if that’s not the best reason to fight, what is?
I truly miss blogging. I miss the good times of taking pictures on a regular, creating outfits, empowering all of you not only with my looks but also with my words. But fact is, people don’t read anymore, people like to consume perfect pictures on Instagram, preferably without an actual message, no content but a photo that’s nice to look at. You get to live from it when you’ve got the money to support a luxurious lifestyle – cause that’s what people prefer to see on Social Media. I’m not saying that there aren’t people who are looking for realness and/or follow accounts that actually have something to say. But after 10 years in the business, I’ve seen it all grow and eventually stand still or even going back. Blogging was a tough business even though I never really saw it a business, as work. It was always something I’ve loved, something that filled me with joy and happiness. But I believe that my time is over. I believe that blogging is over. We’ve all moved on to Instagram and probably will even move on to another app in some time. Who knows? Of couse, this is not the end of my blog. I just can’t say goodbye to all those good times just because I don’t have enough time anymore to do it like a few years ago. I had already decided to use my blog for what’s important to me to tell – my story. Hoping that the people who need to read it, will do so and feel empowered by a girl who just had to finally start living. It’s possible! And I will continue to share my story. Even if it’s just one post per year, I won’t stop blogging. Promise! These almost 11 years were a privilege and I will cherish them forever.
So, here’s a look back at my hardest but most successful year so far – 2019, the year I finally reached all my goals!
I started 2019 on my own, living in a shared flat but on NYE, my flat mates weren’t at home. I sat on my window, watching the fireworks, listening to music and crying, because I was so incredibly happy that the horrible year 2018 was over. Well, it wasn’t that horrible but – as probably every year – had a few really bad moment which still were on my mind, even though it ended pretty good. I was looking forward to a new job starting in February and still enjoying some free time to get accomodated in my new home, my new hood, my new situation – the first time I had signed a contract. I knew it wasn’t gonna be easy since I had to pay way too much rent for a way too small room. Today, I’m still fighting for my right, because the landlord is a criminal (company) – I’m not only paying way too much (and believe me, it’s completely absurd!) but I’ve been living for almost a whole year in a room with a huge water damage which was supposed to be fixed right after I moved in but it’s still there. I’m so relieved to say that I finally moved out at the end of this year, but I’m still trying to fight against this crime. It is not okay how people are misusing the serious housing shortage in Hamburg, by increasing the charges for an appartment to stellar prices, but what this company did and is still doing, is ridiculous! In other news, I’m very sad I had to leave the most beautiful view behind – watching the sunset from my room was always a great moment and I miss it. A lot.
In February, I started my new job, working as a driver for a cool start-up company, which I’ve been using myself to get from A to B. Unfortunately, I had the worst luck in the world and had to accidents, which weren’t avoidable, and so I got fired after only two months. I’m still sad because I really liked the job, it was fun. I loved doing the night shifts during the week and the customers were nice. Who’d have ever thought that someone like me, a girl who got afraid of driving by simply not doing it for years, would end up as a driver in a big city and actually enjoy it? Luckily, I got out of the company because at the end of the year, they failed in Hamburg and everybody lost their jobs literally over night via text message. Obviously, the universe tried to save me and put me in a better place.
I also spent my 29th birthday alone, which was new for me. It wasn’t bad, though. I partied a little bit more on the 22nd, in one of my favorite bars in Hamburg (Botanic District), so I wasn’t technically alone. I had a few cocktails and some delicious fries with truffle mayo and on the 23rd, I had a nice evening and continued my bar tour on my favorite places (Le Lion and the Fontenay hotel bar). So I spent my birthday with a lot of nice bar people and also had champagne. No problem at all! :) But to be honest, I wish for a little party in 2020 for my 30th birthday, I guess that’s a fair wish, right?
March got me pretty bad, I got sick, lost my job, had menstrual problems due to which I decided to start with the pill again (and now I figured, that I forgot to post about how my year without the pill, but let me just say shortly: I went back to really bad pain and cramps, the bleeding got irregular, I was annoyed cause I couldn’t work properly during the first two days but had to because I needed the money and then I decided to talk to my doctor and see if there’s a very light pill for my needs – I ended up with one that was actually too light and had to go for a pill that’s got a little bit more hormones and it looks like I’m good now but my migraine could be back – not sure about it, though, and I have to observe that a little more before changing again – it’s not easy but in the end, the better choice for my everyday because the period pain is unbearable for me…). But I also met someone. And through all this misery, I found happiness. At least for a short time.
In April, I continued sick (and got my blood checked, but nothing new came up), but also started to fight against the landlord. I had to learn that fighting alone, when there’s actually three people who could work together against it, is hard. But it’s worth it. Why should I pay so much for an actual shithole (as much as I loved the hood and the benefits of living there, the actual apartment was shit if you looked twice). I started looking for a new job – again. Had some interviews in May, but they all failed. I kept looking.
In the end of May, I went on a short trip with the guy I had met in March, he introduced me to his parents, his best friends, we all went to a fun park together and I had the most amazing day ever – just to be broken up with only five days later. Heartbreak time! Yay! Not. It was bad. But I’m over it.
Oh, it was a hot summer. Despite the heat, I went on more job interviews, trying real hard to find something that pays me enough to survive in this – let’s be honest- pretty expensive city. Living on my own wouldn’t be easy, especially since I wanted to get out of the shared flat and actually have an appartment just for myself. I didn’t give up, though, and finally, at the end of June, I found it: my current job. Full time, safe, a decent salary and therefore the possibility to now really find a home. Summer also brought a lot of drinks – I continued living my passion for the bar culture, went on events, met people, just had a great summer, right before I started into a new chapter in August: work.
As you can guess, a lot changed when I started to work full-time. I had to learn new stuff, a new daily rhythm, wake up early (and I’m seriously not a morning person), but I adapted pretty quickly. And I’m proud of that. It’s not an easy job, but nobody ever said it’s gonna be easy. :)
Summer also included a few concerts: I’ve seen Feng Suave (twice), Hippo Campus, Bayonne and Sarah Klang – each concert was absolutely amazing and I wouldn’t wanna miss one of them. They all had magical moments and I learned something very important: I can even go to concerts on my own, because three of them, I had to go alone. Obviously, people don’t like my taste in music. Weirdos. Haha! By the way: here are my favorites of 2019! Carefully selected by yours truly, songs that meant a lot to me and accompanied me through the year. ♥
In the end of September I had to say goodbye to Spucki – but just temporary. Right now, it looks like we will be together again in February. I had to leave him with my parents due to a training from work which required me to stay somewhere else for a few weeks. Since I have nobody to take care of my baby, all I could do is let my parents be there for him while I’m away. It’s hard. It really hurts to come home and there’s no cuddly little cat waiting for you. Even though he’s pretty difficult because of his digestive problems and the fact that he hates it when I’m gone so he pees and even poops on my stuff to let me know that I’m a bad person for leaving him alone. But I love him with all of my soul and not having him around makes me terribly sad. I can’t wait to have him back with me and hug him so tight he’ll probably scratch me for it.
So, I went on that training for six weeks (and even two more trainings afterwards!) and learned how to be a expert advisor for eyecare. I had to kind of go back to school, learn a lot in little time and even write three tests which I luckily passed pretty well (one of them even with 100%, the other both with 94% and 95%!). I met new people, some of them are still in my life and very dear to me and I miss them a lot. You spend so much time together and all of them come from other parts of the country and then suddenly, it’s over and you’re separated and it sucks. But life has to go on. At least we all work for the same company so chances are good we’ll meet again!
In the middle of November, after a long search, I finally got the best news of the year: my own apartment! I had finally found a decent place to stay, for a reasonable price (still a little too much, but manageable), with a good connection by train to my work and funnily, exactly where I left Hamburg over two years ago. Just around the corner. The irony! I even ran into my ex-husband right after the apartment sightseeing. It was weird since we hadn’t talked for about 2,5 years. But I kind of felt like the universe was telling me that I’m ready, that I can do it and just forget everything, leave it all behind and move on. Just about one month later, I recalled that I had been given the chance to ask him why he did all this and I didn’t take it. I smiled. I have moved on for good.
In December, I finally got all my stuff back. I really moved in. Everything that’s missing now, is Spucki and I can’t wait to pick him up! Until then, I’m taking care of my home, so we can call it our home in February. Taking care of my work life. Taking care of my social life which has been pretty good this year. Taking care of myself – and that’s exactly what 2020 ist gonna be all about for me: ME. I made it. Made my dream come true. I’m in my favorite city, with a job, in my own home. 2019 was a hard year, full of lessons, full of work on all ends, financially challenging, my heart got broken, but in the end, it gave me what I was looking and working for. I got my life back and now it’s what I make of it. ♥