It’s finally time for my favorite kind of blog post – the annual recap! I had actually started another #TimeToGrowUp post about the past two years back in Hamburg and was supposed to post it before doing my recap but now it’s December 31 and I guess I can also combine these two posts, right?
2020 was a very weird but also very special year. I won’t say it was a great one because so many people lost not only their jobs and a lot of money but also their lives. It is a fact that 2020 changed a lot for many, many people all around the world. It was my personal financial death, since I lost my job in the beginning of the year, right on time for the whole crisis to start putting us in lockdowns and quarantines. So finding new job in my position, someone who’s never actually studied something, was kind of impossible. I spent most of the time at home, which, health-wise, was the best decision. I’m happy to say that so far, I haven’t caught Covid-19 – I’m actually scared about what would happen to me if I got it, since my immune system is pretty much a party pooper and I’m on high risk because of my Type 1 Diabetes. So yeah, I will continue to definitely stay at home as much as I can and be aware of all precautions.
Also, 2020 was a very lonely year but funnily, I made a few new friendships and also got to see who my real friends are. Especially since we couldn’t see each other a lot, video chats and phone calls got me through 2020, as well as watching way too much Netflix and playing video games. But I also went outside, during summer, and met new people (with distance) – and it was a great summer, to be honest. I kept saying it’s probably the last worry-free summer, regarding work and being an adult. Having no job during this year made me kind of feel like a teenager again, so I hope you understand this weird thought. Sitting in the park, having a beer, swimming in the lake, playing cards, listening to music, all that while having the sun shining on my poor head and burning my scalp was just what I needed to get through this…, well, shitty year.
Of course, I’m also sharing my favorite songs of 2020 with you, like every year. Feel free to listen to them while reading this post or whenever you want to. :) Without music, I would’ve never survived this year. And as every year, I’m more than thankful for all my 52 weekly mixes on Spotify cause they’re always perfect and have shown me so many wonderful songs and amazing artists!
I don’t know about you, but I actually like the transition from one year to another. It’s the cliché first page of a whole new chapter and I wonder how it will look like. The last three years were full of challenges, a constant up and down that felt like mostly going down while actually, in the big picture, going up. I’ve been through shitty homes, shitty jobs, shitty people but I didn’t give up. Because there were also good moments, good people, friends and family. I always had 100% support, especially from my parents and without their help, I would’ve probably had to give up even if I didn’t want to.
The last post I wrote was very sad, I actually was in a very bad and desperate mood. I had lost my job which I had thought was a safe thing, especially since I was told that I’d only lose it if I was to steal something or punch someone – which I both did not do, obviously. I was pretty sick in the beginning of the year – sometimes I wonder if it was and early form of Covid-19, since I had a lot of trouble with my breathing and went to a few doctors but they all didn’t know what’s up with me. Corona wasn’t a big topic back then, so who knows… When I received my dismission, I had just come back from the doctor and already felt bad enough… I remember calling my parents and telling them I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Yet another time I had made one step forward, just about two months before, when I finally got my own apartment, and BOOM – there it was, many steps back by losing my job and not knowing how to pay my rent and everything else. Living alone in Hamburg is definitely an expensive mission, so I do get why people choose to live in shared apartments. But you already know about my experiences with that.
So losing my job after only 6 months meant that I don’t even qualify for the “better” version of unemployment benefits. I started to receive social care in April and let me tell you one thing: this is not living. It’s surviving. It is the bare minimum for survival. I don’t even want to sound ungrateful because I’m more than relieved and happy that I got to stay in my apartment, because my rent is paid for, my health insurance is safe and I do get to buy food and am able to pay for electricity and internet, but yeah, le’s be honest – it’s not a fun lifestyle. And I know I’m not the only one who ended up like this during this year. So many people lost their jobs and had to face the same situation. I’m glad it exists but there is absolutely nothing that I want more than to break out of this miserable financial situation.
It took me quite some time to find out what I really want to do. I spent some months at home doing absolutely nothing. In summer, when there was no lockdown and the situation was kind of stable, my mother came to visit me for a few days. It was just what I needed after all those months alone, isolated, sad, frustrated and without any motivation to do something. It felt great to have my mom with me and she also kicked my ass and made me actually look for a place to study. I wasn’t very successful, but eventually found someone to help me with some kind of counseling and we talked about what I like to do and my options and I ended up remembering what I had always said after doing some special classes at school in seventh grade: “If I had wanted to go to university, I would’ve done IT.”
So, at the end of August, I started a prep course for a retraining as an IT specialist for application develoment. I went back to school for two months and it was a huge deal for me. I had a big trauma from school and there was nothing scarier for me than to go back to school with all those bad memories. But I did. And I rocked it. I finished my course after writing four tests, at two of them even being the best in class, with 98 %. I finally understood that I’m not bad at school. This was so important for me – having a positive experience while learning and doing tests and actually seeing that I can do this. You can’t believe how much this course did for me even though it was completely useless for what I had planned to do afterwards. It didn’t prepare me for my choice of training but on a personal level, it made me start to believe in me again and that this was the right choice. That I had finally found the right path for me. But since the school I went to for this prep course was the absolute worst I have ever seen, especially in terms of organization and actual interest in their students (zero), I remade my plan and decided not to go for the retraining at this school but somewhere else. And my life and career is about to start changing in January, in not even two weeks. I am indescribably excited, a little bit terrified but mostly so motivated. It’s worth so much to finally know what you want to do and get the chance to just go for it. And I will definitely do everything I can to be successful, I will learn and work my ass off and I am looking forward to the best start of a new year since probably ever.
Thoughts & Realizations in 2020
- While 2020 felt like neverending in the beginning, I can’t believe it’s already 2021 in just a few hours – time ran very fast while feeling sloooooow as hell!
- Losing a job feels pretty shitty, especially when you were not expecting it.
- Accepting that you lost a job that you actually didn’t like at all is kinda good, though.
- Social care is a good thing but I understand how people lose all their will to do anything anymore.
- Self-isolation isn’t that bad.
- Being single in a pandemic sucks.
- Being single in a pandemic is also great.
- You need a stable internet connection to have quality video calls with everybody.
- Netflix finally paid off, since I never got the chance to scrounge…
- Friends who call to ask how you are doing are amazing.
- Friends who buy you drinks because you can’t afford them anymore are amazing.
- Friends who order you surprise sushi are amazing.
- Hanging out in the park in a hot summer feels like being a kid again.
- Receiving packages with food and stuff from your parents is awesome.
- Knitting is very comforting.
- Daydrinking should be socially accepted.
- A balcony is worth a million.
- Spucki hates it, though.
- Letting extremely toxic people go feels so good.
- Toilet paper equals gold.
- Picking up your cat after six months of not being together is a great birthday gift.
- Martinis are always a good choice.
- No bra and no make-up is an even better choice.
- Watching your favorite series for the 42nd time is totally fine.
- I lost the count of how often I was ghosted on several dating apps.
- Fixing a lot of stuff in my apartment by myself is pretty cool.
- Ramen is probably one of the most delicious things ever.
- I gained 10kgs during this year and I’m absolutely okay with it.
- Music was, is and will forever be a life-saver.
- I can make some mean popcorn. Salty, of course.
- It’s cool to be on tv after a long time.
- Eating your own home-grown salad is lovely.
- I am not qualified to be a plant mom.
- Racism is still an issue that needs to be fixed as quickly as possible!
- Sunsets are still the most beautiful thing in the world. Especially at the harbor.
- I wish my parents didn’t live so far away.
- Missing out on my best friend’s pregnancy due to the distance and the pandemic made me very sad.
- I need a purpose.
- Waking up early when you don’t have to is not as easy as they say.
- Sleeping all day is something I could do if I wanted to.
- My ventilator is still my boyfriend. My vibrator too.
- I’m glad there’s supermarket delivery.
- I’m good at math.
- I’ll forever love my nerd shirts.
- I can solve my problems on my own.
- I miss photo shoots.
- My hairdresser is golden.
- It’s incredible how many idiots are out there believing that the pandemic is not real or some government shit.
- I was expecting more zombies for the apocalypse.
- Christmas alone is not the end of the world.
- So isn’t New Year’s Eve.
- Can’t wait to see what 2021 has to offer.