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Mood momentan. Ich bin irgendwie müde. Da predige ich immer all das Positive, aber irgendwie geht’s grad selbst bei mir nicht. Meine Eltern sagen dann immer: „Du bist doch die Lu, schau‘ mal, die auf Instagram und deine Blogleser sind alle so begeistert von dir und du inspirierst sie alle und du sagst immer, dass man stark sein muss, und bei uns bist du ganz weinerlich!“ - wo sie Recht haben, haben sie Recht. Ich bin auch immer dafür, nicht aufzugeben und positiv zu denken/bleiben. Aber manchmal geht’s halt einfach nicht. Manchmal ist alles richtig beschissen und dann bleibt auch nur das Rumheulen. Deshalb lasse ich das heute mal so stehen. Ohne das positive „Krönchen richten, weitergehen“. Weil manchmal will man auch mal eine kleine (!) Weile sitzen bleiben und sich über‘s Hinfallen beklagen. Und das darf man dann auch.

Mood momentan. Ich bin irgendwie...

[Werbung wegen Verlinkung] Und ich so: das Kleid ist viel zu groß, aber es ist so wunderschön! Also machen wir trotzdem ein Foto. 🙆🏼‍♀️ Ach, endlich ist wieder richtig Kleiderzeit, so ganz ohne Frieren und Strumpfhosen und all den anderen Mist. Ich war heute im T-Shirt draußen an der Alster, eigentlich nicht mit Weltbester Laune, aber was so ein bisschen Wasser und Sonnenschein mit einem machen können, ist schon ziemlich nice. ♥️ #plussize #plussizeoutfit #plussizeblogger #luziehtan #celebratemysize #honormycurves #effyourbodystandards

[Werbung wegen Verlinkung] Und ich...

Instagram Image

Instagram Image

Frohe Ostern, ihr Lieben! Ich hoffe, ihr könnt überall das schöne Wetter genießen, seid gesund, habt eure Lieben um euch und seid glücklich. ♥️

Frohe Ostern, ihr Lieben! Ich...

[Werbung] Noch sind die Beinchen etwas arg weiß, aber in diesem tollen Zweiteiler aus leichtem Jeansstoff von @sueperbthelabel freue ich mich schon riesig drauf, im Sommer ein bisschen mehr Farbe abzubekommen. ♥️ Shirt und Shorts lassen sich natürlich auch super getrennt voneinander kombinieren, aber der Jumpsuitlook ist einfach perfekt! Kann euch die neue Kollektion von Süperb nur ans Herz legen, neben diesem Outfit sind nämlich noch zwei tolle Kleider, eine richtig coole Hose und ein luftiges Sommershirt am Start, die sich alle blicken lassen können! ✌🏻 #sueperb #plussize #plussizeoutfit #plussizeblogger #luziehtan #celebratemysize #honormycurves #effyourbodystandards

[Werbung] Noch sind die Beinchen...

[Werbung wegen Verlinkung] Womöglich eins der liebsten Fotos von mir! Danke dafür, liebe Ulrike! 🌸 Ich liege zwar momentan mit Blasenentzündung und Erkältung flach (sammle zur Zeit einfach mal ALLES ein und war deshalb grad nochmal beim Arzt zum Blutabnehmen, weil das so ja echt nicht geht), aber ich freu‘ mich trotzdem riesig über den zurückgekehrten Frühling! Jetzt bleibt er hoffentlich auch und ist bestimmt nur wieder der Vorbote für einen Bombensommer! Ich freu‘ mich auf das, was kommt! 💕 #plussize #plussizeoutfit #plussizeblogger #luziehtan #celebratemysize #honormycurves #effyourbodystandards

[Werbung wegen Verlinkung] Womöglich eins...

[Werbung wegen Verlinkung] Wenn #Coachella in Hamburg wäre... oder so ähnlich. Wir starten kurvenhausmäßig mit diesem Boho-Maxikleid in die Festival-Season! Yay! ♥️✌🏻 #plussize #plussizeoutfit #plussizeblogger #luziehtan #celebratemysize #honormycurves #effyourbodystandards #festivalstyle

[Werbung wegen Verlinkung] Wenn #Coachella...

#latergram - Letztes Wochenende Ostsee, dieses Wochenende Arbeit. Was würde ich wohl drum geben, diese hübsche Möwe zu sein... aber was muss, das muss.

#latergram - Letztes Wochenende Ostsee,...

[Werbung wegen Verlinkung] Spring Mood. 🌸 Ich hoffe, ihr habt alle ganz viel Sonnenschein im Herzen! ♥️ Falls nicht, hilft vielleicht dieses hübsche Kleid (haha, ich bin ein Verkaufsgenie, oder? 😂)! #plussize #plussizeoutfit #plussizeblogger #luziehtan #celebratemysize #honormycurves #effyourbodystandards

[Werbung wegen Verlinkung] Spring Mood....

[Werbung wegen Verlinkung] Happiness is... sunshine, a cute dress and someone (or your favorite place or both) who makes you smile. ♥️ #plussize #plussizeoutfit #plussizeblogger #luziehtan #celebratemysize #honormycurves #effyourbodystandards #hamburgloveistruelove

[Werbung wegen Verlinkung] Happiness is......

• Private XXI | Overcoming Depression and Anxiety I •

By Posted on 11 15.7K views

Photos: Jacqueline Filmore


It’s been some time since I told you about → my struggles with depression and anxiety. I feel like after about half a year I’m ready to give you a first update on my situation. That’s why this post is part one of my story and journey with these two – cause I’m pretty sure that there’s room for more and probably not only a second update. 

“We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.”
– Mother Teresa

I found this quote when I was searching for some matching words to the photo above. For me, it’s incredible to think that I had totally forgotten how to smile or laugh and actually mean it – not fake it. It’s unbelievably hard and tiring to fake a smile when all you actually want to do is cry all the time. There’s this hashtag – #notjustsad – that perfectly describes depression. Depression is more than just regular sadness, it’s as if everything inside of you is feeling all the negative feelings at the same time and this is exhausting. So exhausting that all you can do is sleep. All. The. Time. Mostly because you’re tired and also trying to escape from all this, but also because sadness and desperation (and more) are overwhelming.

People tell you to get your shit together, that everything will get better soon, that you don’t have a reason to be sad and they tell you to “just smile”. And at some point, you simply give up and whenever someone asks you how you’re doing, you don’t tell them the truth, you put on your fake smile and say that everything’s okay. It becomes kind of a mantra you repeat again and again, so often you almost believe it yourself. You start to believe that this state is actually normal, that this is how you’re supposed to be, that there’s no way to change it. And that depression is your only friend. It feels weird to think that reality is different. That this is not what you’re supposed to feel. And you believe that giving up depression, all you have left, is wrong. At least that’s what I felt. I felt like depression is kind of my best friend. That doing something about it will take away all that’s left and that it won’t get better then. And somehow, it feels great to wallow yourself in all those bad thoughts, to be “the one that’s depressive”, to have an excuse for all those negative things you do, for all those bad feelings, for all the sadness inside of you. So why give that up?

When that big BOOM in my life happened, I was finally able to understand that this is not me. That being like that is not okay. That I don’t wanna be like that anymore and that I have to change. Looking back, I’m glad that it happened because otherwise I wouldn’t have had this extremely important realization. I decided that there’s no way for me out of this without help, without therapy. And so I started to look for someone to give me a hand on this new life-changing journey.

Now, you have to know that finding the right therapist is not that easy. I had already tried a few therapists since I was 11 years old after an incident where a man followed me through the city and even waited for me outside when I tried to hide in a store. Only after seeing someone I knew, he disappeared. But a few weeks later he appeared again – in my daily bus to school. This incident caused that I wasn’t able to go somewhere alone and after I took my driving test and had the possibility to drive to school, I also couldn’t use the bus anymore. The therapist I visited at that time did not help at all. I went there every week and she played some stupid games with me, even did an IQ test and told me my intelligence was below average (something I’ll never forget cause I’m seriously not dumb). Even after years I still wasn’t able to take the bus and being alone still made me feel very uncomfortable. 

When I was 16 years old, depression started to get real. At school, I started to develop a huge fear of having to prove myself, fear of bad grades, fear of talking in front of the class. So much fear of it all that one day, when I was 18 years old, I had a major panic attack and ran away from school. This happened not only once. I tried another therapist and another one. Around 21, I even thought about going to a psychiatric day-care hospital but it felt wrong. And then I desisted from looking for help – also because I was convinced that I can get through all this on my own, that I don’t really need help. But – as you can imagine – it got worse.

Moving to Hamburg three years ago and being alone for the first time, in an own apartment, working from home (all day alone), not having friends yet, coming from a small village to a big city I didn’t know much,… all this triggered my fear and the anxiety grew. It grew so much that after about two years I wasn’t able to leave the house on my own. I was afraid of everything, I was scared and panicked all the time. And I was still convinced that I don’t need help. Even though my depression made me think about suicide more than once and the anxiety held me as a hostage. I won’t say that I was stupid, cause I was sick, but I could kick my own ass when I think about all this. I kept saying that I don’t want to do a therapy and that I don’t need it. Way to close your eyes and ignore the obvious…

“There were so many things I felt were not how they were supposed to be and I was finally ready to change it.”

After realizing that I seriously need some help, it wasn’t that easy to find someone for this job. Our health insurance system is kind of shitty when it comes to therapies – they pretty much want to choose for you who’s going to be your mental health assistant just so you don’t have to pay for it. Private therapists are pretty expensive and – let’s be honest – I knew that my condition would take some time to get back to “normal”. Half a year later, I’m still not where I should be, even though I’ve made enormous steps and am extremely proud of myself when I think about how I was six months ago, how I felt, how I acted, how I thought.

Since I needed help very urgently and there’s a serious problem with the waiting time you have to be able to accept (around 3-6 months) in order to get a therapist that’s paid for by health insurance, I decided to go for a private one nearby. And I was more than lucky – she was the perfect choice for me. And for the first time in years (and therapists), I felt ready to tell everything. I felt like I didn’t have to hide and put on my fake smile. I wanted help. I had accepted that this is the only thing that’s going to save me from, well, probably something really bad. I had already had my mental meltdown when I had to understand that my marriage was over, that I had to leave my favorite city, that my blog was probably going to die, that my actual life plans were destroyed and not happening anymore. It took me a long time to finally accept that “right now” is my new reality and that without help, I’d fail at everything that’s coming. So I sat there and told my therapist everything. Every single detail of what had brought me to her. Everything that I knew about myself that’s “wrong”, everything that caused my anxiety, everything that made me feel depressed, all those fears and struggles and the fact that I felt like I’m not able to live on my own. That I’m not independent, that I’m not the adult I should be, that I’m scared of this and that and so much more. There were so many things I felt were not how they were supposed to be and I was finally ready to change it. I knew it was going to be hard work and uncomfortable work. I knew I would have to do things I hated, things that scared me, things that I’ve never or hardly done before. And I was ready to fight.

Some days ago, I posted the picture above on Instagram and wrote this:

“We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.” – that’s a quote by Mother Teresa and she was so right! Through all that shit I’ve been going through the last years, I had almost forgotten the power of a true smile, of laughing – and not faking it. I’ve been in therapy since June and it’s absolutely incredible how much I’ve already changed because of all this. Deciding to get help was the best and most important step of my new journey and I want to let everybody who’s been struggling with their mental health know that you deserve to smile, to laugh, to be happy, to love life, to feel worthy and loved. You’re not alone, never. Don’t forget how great it feels to smile!

This is a short summary of what happened the last months in my life. I’ve changed a lot, my behavior and feelings towards certain situations changed. I’ve started to drive more and actually have fun while doing it, I’ve started to go out for running errands, I’ve started to keep my appointments by myself, I’ve started to take the bus again during summer (when I didn’t have the car), I’ve started to travel alone by train without being anxious, I’ve started to do easy everyday things without being scared and I’ve started to think positively – something I had stopped to do years ago. I’ve always called myself a professional pessimist and kind of lived for my motto that everything’s going wrong and will be bad. And today, if there’s something not happening as expected, I’m actually thinking of it as a challenge to prove to myself that I’m capable of making it. I’m seeing positive things where I’d have been desperate before. 

And most important: I’m smiling and laughing again. And meaning it. I’m being happy. And you can’t believe how great it feels!

I know how hard life can be for someone with depression and anxiety and I know how hard it is to accept that this won’t change without help. I know all the struggles, all those feelings and bad thoughts. I know how much life sucks when you think that dying is the only way out. And that’s why I’m writing this blog post and sharing it with you. Because I want to let you know that being like that is nothing to be ashamed of, even though in our society it still is something you shouldn’t make public and let everybody know. That’s something I want to change, as well as your thoughts towards your or other people’s sickness. I want to let you know that if you’re feeling all this, it’s okay to get help. It’s okay to accept that you can’t change it on your own. Because you’re not alone. There are so many people like “us”. And so many who really want to help. Who can help. And whose help you should gladly accept. 

If there’s only one person who reads this and finally feels ready to go for it, ask for help and get it, my deed is done. And it makes me incredibly proud to talk about this, to take you with me on that journey, which is a super exciting one. To show you how great it can be to get rid of all that negativity in your life and become a mentally healthy person that’s starting to be independent again, but most important: a person who found her way back to laughing instead of being afraid.

11 Comments
  • Kirsten
    December 23, 2017

    Liebe Lu,
    Es ist gut, so offen über diese Themen zu sprechen und sie aus der Ecke der Scham
    rauszuholen. Es gibt so viele Menschen mit psychischen Erkrankungen, denen Du sicher ganz viel Mut machst.
    Dir ganz viel Erfolg auf Deinem Weg!
    LG Kirsten.

      • Luciana
        December 24, 2017

        Dankeschön, liebe Kirsten! Ich wünsche es mir sehr, dass ich anderen wirklich Mut machen kann! ♥

      • Annika
        December 22, 2017

        Liebe Lu,
        du sprichst mir aus der Seele und ich bin sehr dankbar, dass du deine Follower auch an diesem Teil deines Lebens teilhaben lässt. Das gibt mir etwas Kraft, auch meinen schwierigen Weg weiterzugehen. Sehr gut beschrieben! Schöne Weihnachten! Annika

          • Luciana
            December 24, 2017

            Ich danke dir von Herzen, liebe Annika! ♥ Ich wünsche dir auch alles Gute auf deinem Weg!

          • Verena
            December 22, 2017

            Ich habe den größten Respekt vor Dir! Danke für Deine ehrlichen und offenen Wort, liebe Lu.
            Ich weiß wie schwer ist sich einzugestehen, dass man Hilfe braucht und dann auch danach zu fragen.
            Alles Liebe für Deinen weiteren Weg.
            Verena

              • Luciana
                December 24, 2017

                Vielen Dank, liebe Verena! ♥

              • Jane
                December 22, 2017

                Danke für deine offenen und tollen Worte. Dir weiterhin alles gute. Super, dass du auf so einen gutem Weg ist und danke, dass du uns auf deine Reise mitnimmst.

                  • Luciana
                    December 22, 2017

                    Dankeschön, liebe Jane! ♥

                  • prinzessin_paprika
                    December 22, 2017

                    Liebe Lu,

                    ich bin gleich auf dem Weg nach BY zu meinen Eltern – und dann erstmal einige Zeit offline.
                    Wenn ich Deinen Blog aus der Metaperspektive über die Jahre betrachte, dann sieht jeder Deine berufliche Weiterentwicklung – aber es gibt eben nur dieses öffentliche Bild einer selbstständigen Frau, die mutige und klare Statements gegen Bodyshaming veröffentlicht, sich durch extravagante Kleidung sichtbar macht.
                    BUT: Never judge a book by its cover!
                    Ich möchte Dir aber für Deinen Mut, Deine Einblicke danken – damit wirst Du mMn sehr viel bewegen können – bei anderen, aber auch bei Dir selbst!

                    Auf das echte Lachen! Das schönste Makeup überhaupt.

                    Wünsche Dir wundervolle Weihnachten,
                    fühl Dich von positiver Energie und Liebe umgeben!

                    prinzessin_paprika

                      • Luciana
                        December 22, 2017

                        Ich danke dir von Herzen, meine Liebe!

                        Tatsächlich ist es so, dass ich mich auf professioneller Ebene ganz anders verhalte und da komischerweise viel mehr geht als im Privatleben. Auch das hier auf dem Blog bin ich und das ist kein Scheinbild, also nicht jemand, der ich gerne wäre, sondern jemand, der ich auch wirklich bin. Und natürlich ist das auch wirklich nur ein kleiner Teil, den man hier auf dem Blog und auch bei Social Media zu sehen bekommt.
                        Ich bin aber irgendwo auch ganz froh, mich nicht mehr zu verstecken und offen zu sagen, dass privat bei mir rein gar nichts mehr gut war und sich da vieles ändern muss. Das ganze Öffentlichkeitsding dreht sich nur um Perfektion und schöne Dinge und das Leben ist nunmal nicht so. Klar sollte es nicht ganz so schwarz sein, wie es insbesondere die letzten paar Jahre bei mir war, aber ich finde es auch nicht verkehrt, dazu zu stehen, dass eben nicht alles rosig ist. Und dass man das aber in die Hand nehmen und ändern kann – gerade deshalb schreibe ich auch darüber. Weil das kein Dauerzustand sein kann/darf/soll/muss. Ich möchte gerne anderen Menschen mit gleichen oder ähnlichen Problemen, bzw. der Krankheit, zeigen, dass es einen Weg da raus gibt, was einfach so wichtig ist zu sehen, um endlich für sich selbst die Entscheidung treffen zu können, dass man Hilfe annehmen will. Denn das ist der erste Schritt und den will man eben oft nicht gehen.

                        Ich wünsche dir und deiner Familie ganz wunderbare Festtage und freue mich wieder auf dich im nächsten Jahr! ♥

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