• Time to grow up | III – About fears and worries… •

• Time to grow up | III – About fears and worries… •

Now that everything got pretty much serious, after → moving and my start into the „normal“ work life (even though that was kinda „light“, since it’s still not a very regular story), being „alone“ (even though I’m sharing a flat with my friend, I’m most of the time on my own) and the whole changing, there are a few fears that said hello again and about which I want to write today. Who knows, maybe it helps to put them into words and see what you’re about to fight – kind of a #BucketListofFears.

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• Private XXV | “Generation Beziehungsunfähig” •

• Private XXV | “Generation Beziehungsunfähig” •

Hey, I’ll just say it right now, I’m not looking for something serious, I’m freshly out of a relationship.“
„Hello, nice to match you – by the way, I’m just looking for fun!“
„Looking for a ‘friends with benefits’ – you in?“

I don’t even know when exactly it started – I was obviously way too long in a relationship and missed the moment when humanity decided that the model of a simple relationship of 10 years ago is not cool anymore.

Admittedly, I’m not back in that „dating game“ for so long and to be honest, I’m not doing this excessively – I normally use Tinder while on the toilet when I’m bored, and all those other dating apps are pretty proletarian and therefore aren’t my thing. It really makes me wonder why someone would use Lovoo or Badoo (does everything have to end on double-o?) voluntarily. Tinder is pretty much known as a sex app (someone once told me that the name comes from „Titty Finder“ – I kind of doubt that but it’s not too inappropriate), but it seems to be less full of freaks („fuckbois“ all over instead) and halfway respectable.

Of course, my profile says that someone like me – obviously an old school lady – is not looking for sex dates. I seriously don’t. 90% of my matches aren’t interested in that and they seem to think that I’m a prostitute that doesn’t have to be paid without even saying hello. Okay, no problem, you can „de-match“ these people. The remaining 10% are 8% „pretending to be nice and then I’ll drop the ‘I’m not looking for something serious’ bomb“, 1% total freaks and that’s why they’re single (#sorrynotsorry – there was a guy who wanted to cuddle with me while wearing diapers which he also actually uses) and 1% actual candidates for a first date. But that’s material for another Private post.

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So now there are a few things I keep asking myself:

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• Private XXIV | Different •

• Private XXIV | Different •

I want to be different. Don’t get me wrong, this is not going to be an “I’m so much better than the others” or “I’m such a special snowflake” post – but it’s going to be an honest one telling you that the current image of plus-size bloggers and/or influencers does not make me happy. In fact, I’m pretty annoyed right now by the whole way of appearance the business chose to go for. And I’m annoyed by the fact that I’m somehow a part of it.

I am definitely not prudish or pedantic, but I believe that the whole current “sex sells” thing is kind of becoming too much and also not really helpful for how plus-size actually wants to be seen by the world. We keep asking for acceptance and tolerance and at the same time there are so many of my colleagues posting clearly sexual, sometimes even pretty cheap-looking pictures or videos of them on Social Media, obviously looking for attention and craving for followers – not or just partly for the actual body positivity movement.

Yes, I myself have also already posted lots of photos of myself in underwear, even naked, and I’m a true believer that it has to be and is a part of body positivity and empowerment to love and also show yourself in a sexy way. But I feel like it’s kind of getting out of control and becoming a provocation and show-off instead of an actual statement.

I believe that sexuality and also pictures showing that fat people are sexy and have sex are important. These pictures have to be seen as well as skinny peoples’ sexuality in order to change something. The media needs women “like us” to show themselves the same way as skinny women in ads and on international catwalks. The world needs to see women of all kinds, without the “magic” of Photoshop but with the power of self-love and self-confidence that empowers other women to understand that they are amazing just the way they are. There is no need to look like a model, no need to try to look like an unrealistic ideal, no need to change yourself and force yourself into something you’re not. This also applies to disabled bodies, trans bodies and any other body that does not reflect our society’s ideal body type – the skinny and photoshopped one.

But I also believe that plus-size women can be and are so much more than just sexy. I believe that we don’t need to show ourselves all of the time in underwear or naked or upload provocatively sexual pictures when especially on Social Media the actual feedback comes mostly from very disgusting examples of men who don’t even give a fuck about our [body positivity] message but keep telling us how hot we are and then sending us dick pics or harassing us in any other way, while there might be only a handful of women who do think that this is awesome, but still too brave, so they say that they’d never do this cause they’re afraid.

You guys know how important body positivity is to me. And this post is not supposed to shame my blogging and instagramming colleagues. Still, I want to be different. I don’t want to be a part of the “sex sells” movement. Because I feel that I don’t belong to that kind of movement anymore. I don’t wanna promote body positivity by being naked all the time. By shaking my boobs in front of a camera. By showing my naked butt fullsized on a picture. By typing trivial quotes under racy pictures of myself I’d only send to my imaginary boyfriend.

I want to keep writing texts, inspiring and motivating you through words and an actual message.

Of course I’ll still be posting some underwear pictures from time to time. Just because they’re a part of it and because I’m a firm believer that we have nothing to hide as plus-size women. I know that “sex sells” will always be a thing and that’s fine – it’s been like that since what feels like forever and that’s okay. I just don’t feel like being a part of that. I’m actually annoyed that I’ve been a part of that superficial and hollow subculture. Being a fashion blogger is indeed a pretty hollow job if you don’t make it special enough by having a message. And of course, it’s also okay to be one without having a message – you don’t always have to have something to say and it’s not always about being a role model. I’ve never really seen myself as one, even though I know about the responsibility I have by posting pictures of me – however they look like. I know that I want to empower other women (and all genders/identities), I know that I want to motivate and inspire people. Show that being fat is not a problem or the end of the world. You are what you make of it. It’s on you to choose your way. And I chose mine.

• Private XXIII | One year… •

• Private XXIII | One year… •

…or: what I learned from the end of my relationship.


Photos: Jacqueline Filmore


One year. Today officially marks the day of the end of my last relationship, a year ago. I moved on and I feel like it’s time to have a quick look back and talk about what I learned from everything that’s happened*. So many wonderful things happened in this year, → being single is absolutely fine and I’m actually enjoying it. It’s an amazing chance to be able to get to know myself after all these years. It was important for my very own personal growth and evolution and I’m actually thankful for that. So just in case my ex reads this: thank you for leaving me. You couldn’t have given me something better. You just chose the wrong way how to do it, but it doesn’t matter anymore.

After a break-up it’s hard to understand that this is not the end of the world. Especially if you’re not the one who made the decision to end it all. But luckily, after some time, you realize that there’s something good about it and that it’s actually true that if one door closes, at least another one opens. It took me a few months to accept my new life, my new situation, being single and “alone” but it also made me think about those 8 years in a relationship. Of course, I also found a few errors on my side, but – and that’s what matters in the end – I’ve learned a lot by reflecting about what went wrong. And that’s why I decided to change a lot… here’s 5 things I learned from the end of my relationship.

* I know you all want to know what happened but I still don’t really want to talk about it. Maybe, some day, I will – maybe not. The past is the past and I’m glad that I’ve gotten my closure, even though there’s still a divorce in front of me. Since there were some rumors of abuse: no. He didn’t hurt me physically. 

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