Photos: Katharina Kerwer
» Düsseldorf | Hyatt Regency
2017 was a year of changes. It was the worst year of my life and at the same time the best year ever. People like to say “new year, new me” when they start into a new year. For me, 2018 literally means that it’s going to be a new year with a new me, cause I already changed a lot and I’m still in that metamorphosis mood from 2017.
Looking back, I’m pretty sure that what happened to me was the best that could happen to me cause I was stuck. And I wasn’t happy. I was horribly unsatisfied and I was a hostage of my anxieties. The change was unevitable but I wish it would’ve happened a little easier or at least not with the destroying power of a nuclear bomb. But thinking about it, this was probably necessary – otherwise, I wouldn’t have understood that I’ve got to do something.
So – let’s stop philosophizing about this because this is the last part of my recap of the year and all I want to do now is have a look at the things I learned 2017…
Alone again – but finally becoming independent!
I’m back at being alone and all by myself. At first, it hurt – a lot. When you’ve spent 8 years with someone you thought is “the right one” and you were best friends and shared absolutely everything, not having this person by your side anymore is like being stabbed. In the back. Without warning. It’s confusing and it makes you feel so many different feelings at the same time. But then again, that’s exactly what was wrong. I had lost my independence – it wasn’t like two persons being together, we were like one person. And now I got it back, the possibility to learn being independent again or rather: finally. Cause I’ve never been independent before. And this is the most exciting thing that 2017 brought me.
Back home – but with people who love me!
I’m → back at home with my parents. This was and is still weird cause I had to give up my privacy and somehow also my own choices (cause, you know, my parents are pretty clingy and want to know what’s going on and be a part of my daily life – that’s okay but it makes it a little impossible to choose everything on my own). On the one hand, this is something that annoys me so, so much. But on the other hand, I have to say that I’m with people who love me. My parents love me so much and without them, I would’ve had no place to stay right after the break-up. It’s good to know that I’m safe and loved. And I know that my parents want to help me and they are here for me, no matter what. That’s a great feeling.
Back in the boonies – but where I know everything!
I had to leave my favorite city and go back to the village where I grew up and which I was so happy to leave almost 4 years ago to finally live my own life. I had the chance to grow up but instead, my depression and anxiety made me so little and scared. Now I’m back under different circumstances. I’m almost 28 years old and I’m ashamed to say: I’m not adult yet. I’ve not grown-up the last few years. But in 2017, I finally had to make the first steps of growing up. And I got the chance to grow up at familiar places, not in a city I haven’t known when I should have done all this and where I was scared. I can now become the adult woman I want to be where I know everybody and everywhere. That’s pretty cool.
“Home” is a decision that your heart makes!
Still, what I currently want most is going back to Hamburg. Leaving the city made me feel a huge loss cause it feels so much like home there. When we moved to Hamburg, I wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t ready to be alone, to live in a city so far away from my original home, from my parents, my friends. I wasn’t ready because my mental condition wasn’t ready. I’m still not completely but I’m working hard on it to become the person that’s ready for going back. Because I want it to be a choice, a decision, not a try. But leaving the city made me realize that this is where I want to be and that’s going to be my focus for 2018. I’m pretty sure that this year won’t be the year I’m coming back yet cause there’s so much to do first, but I want to arrange it this year, I want to set the scene for my new life in my favorite city by becoming the powerful woman I already am on this blog – cause that’s not a fake, that’s the person who loves herself but who had forgotten or not even learned how to act like that in other parts of her life.
Help is the key!
Starting my therapy was the most important step of healing. Not only after the break-up which led me to making the decision to ask for help. I should’ve done it earlier, probably about two years ago – who knows, maybe I could’ve prevented all this from happening. But then again, I’m so glad it happened. Cause I’ve been in a so-called toxic relationship. Not because I was mistreated but because I was with somebody who gave me no chance to evolve. This wasn’t his intention, I know, but it was the most fatal error from his side. Only by ending this relationship, I finally had the chance to change something about it all, about myself. I just wish it wouldn’t have happened like it did. Like he did. But that’s another story to be told another day.
What’s important to say right now is that asking for help is never wrong, → accepting help is the best thing ever and welcoming change is the biggest gift you can give to yourself.
I now know what I want and what’s good for me!
I had to learn the hard way what I want and what may never happen again. There was so much wrong with me. So much I’ve been bottling up, so much I’ve been faking. So much I’ve been afraid of and so much I didn’t want to change because of my fear of change. But that’s exactly what needed to happen. I’m kind of writing this a lot in this post (sorry not sorry), but that’s probably the quintessence of 2017: change. Understanding what I want, what I need, what I don’t want and what makes me unhappy, unhealthy, unsatisfied. And going for it. Or getting rid of it. I believe that this is the most important part of growing up, at least for myself. And that’s what I want to embrace.
There are so many things to be done differently in 2018 and for which I’ve already started to make the first steps in 2017 and yes, this is also super exciting and I can’t wait to take you with me on that journey.