Photo: Sung-Hee Seewald
Now that everything got pretty much serious, after → moving and my start into the „normal“ work life (even though that was kinda „light“, since it’s still not a very regular story), being „alone“ (even though I’m sharing a flat with my friend, I’m most of the time on my own) and the whole changing, there are a few fears that said hello again and about which I want to write today. Who knows, maybe it helps to put them into words and see what you’re about to fight – kind of a #BucketListofFears.
That thing with overestimating (yourself).
The biggest fear is probably the thought about if I’ve overestimated myself or tried too much at one time. It was a pretty quick story with my comeback to Hamburg – also, because there was „no other choice“, meaning: the chance was one of a kind and had to be taken. The chance of starting that “shared flat life” with a friend doesn’t come every day. And also the job at the food truck was kind of good timing and luck. Of course it’s not all perfect at the moment and even though the job is fun and the home situation is cool, there’s still the plan of finding my own place – and of course, I’m gonna need a „real“ job for that because logically, I won’t be able to rent my own flat without a regular income. But there’s also the fact that our arrangement at home is temporary, so there’s a clock ticking in the back of my head, and I’m kind of nervous if I can manage to do all this in such a short window of time, or if I’ll be overtaxed and will have to go back home to the village if everything goes wrong. But that’s plan Z and hopefully just my last resort. Because going back isn’t an actual option. And luckily, there’s still plan B to Y before plan Z. And plan A is that everything’s gonna work out somehow.
That thing with the money.
Financial worries aren’t something new – who doesn’t have them? Well, sometimes smaller, sometimes bigger. I’m actually happy not to be out on the streets and have a roof over my head in any case, even though the worst case means that I have to leave Hamburg again. But as I said, that’d be plan Z, the last resort. But yes, that thing with the money is kind of a problem – I’m not living with my parents anymore, I have to pay for my rent. Plus those costs for food and drinks, health insurance (which I have to pay on my own because of the self-employment and which isn’t that cheap at all), my management (without it, the blog wouldn’t be working like that anymore, especially cause my first management screwed up) and – that’s probably some material for another #TimeToGrowUp post – the (lawyer) costs for my divorce. Here’s a little spoiler: before coming to Hamburg, I was halfway assured that there’s a bumper for emergencies when I get here, but then I received the most horrifying invoice of my life. The divorce already cost me almost €5000,- and there’s still coming more. Tell me about that bumper. Bumped.
That thing with loneliness.
Well, I’m not really alone and also not lonely. I’ve got friends here in Hamburg and I meet them from time to time, and I’ve also learned to be alone with myself and do stuff alone, even though there are a few „construction sites“ left (like going alone to a lake and sit there in the middle of many people).
But there is that small fear of becoming and feeling lonely. My shared flat life is temporary, I’m supposed to live alone in a little less than half a year and yeah, the dating game in Hamburg is harder than expected (well, I’m not back in the game for too long and I’m definitely not focussing on it, I’m actually a happy single but sometimes, I feel like it’d be nice to go out with a nice guy as well). I’m kind of afraid to feel lonely and then feel the urge of hiding in my cocoon again – meaning: that I’ll just stay at home alone. Right now, I’m doing that because of the temperatures because it’s way too hot for my taste (paired with my fear of sitting somewhere alone and hoping for better [=colder] times while others are having fun with their friends – but mine aren’t available all the time and are not always up for meeting, and it doesn’t always, haha, have to do something with me, I know that), but what’s gonna happen when it’s not that hot outside anymore? Fact is: I don’t like being alone. It’s no problem for me, but I’m a sociable person who likes to have people around. Of course, sometimes it’s too much for me as well, and then I withdraw myself and need some „alone time“ and enjoy it. But all in all I’d say that I’ve always been someone who prefers being with others, talking and philosophizing about life. As a kid, I’ve never been completely alone or on my own. I guess that’s why being independent has kind of become a problem for me which lead to my starting point last year. I don’t wanna lie that I was really bad at this time – being alone was my biggest fear of them all. Now I’m all good with it. But there’s still kind of that fear of ending as a Crazy Cat Lady, somewhere in the nowhere of Hamburg. At least there’s still Spucki with me for hopefully a long time, so for starters, I won’t be that lonely. :)
That thing with blogging.
Yes, the blog makes me worry a lot too. Nothing is as it was before anymore, you also noticed that – there was a time when I easily blogged two outfits per week. Since last year, there’s not even coming one per week on a regular basis anymore, but I made it work somehow. But then my wonderful new photographer had surgery and now I’m back in Hamburg and still don’t know somebody to assume this task – especially cause it has to be for free at first, since I’m struggling with the money. A good photographer wants to be paid and I don’t wanna leave that work unpaid, but right now, I have to hope for someone to have mercy with me and help me out a bit in the beginning. At the same time, there’s that problem that my closet and everything inside is still at my parents. I just brought a handful of clothes with me which weren’t even ready for this utterly hot summer, so my parents had to send me a little package with a few extra clothes. But that’s also nothing „new“ for the blog and not interesting enough for some recycled outfits (even though I love doing this). And then there’s, well, we already talked about it briefly, me: I’ve changed. I love writing so much – and that’s not working that well anymore in that new „influencer world“, where most of it happens on Instagram and where nobody really wants to read anymore. That’s why I wanna keep the blog for REAL texts, for everything that’s important to me, what moves me, makes me happy, makes me worry, upsets me, gives me the feeling I need to put in up on the blog in writing. After all, I can say proudly that the posts that are heavy on text are those that are part of the most-clicked and most-read ones, with following feedback. That doesn’t only make me proud but also really happy. Because that’s what keeps a blog alive. Blogging has changed, me too, but I wanna keep that constant in my life. I still don’t know what’s gonna happen with „Lu zieht an.“. I want the ambiguity, the „wearing“ and „attracting“ to still be a part of all this. ;) But I kind of have to adapt to the change, in order to keep my job as a job – cause that’s what the blog became in the past years – and have it as an assurement of my surviving. I don’t wanna give up blogging, just like I don’t want to sacrifice myself to the new generation of „influencers“, because I think that’s way too superficial and shallow, but I have to find a balance. That’s what I’m still working on. And I’ll hopefully find a solution as soon as possible. And there are still one, two outfits left to be shown on the blog.